As I sit here today and look for the words to properly articulate what I want to say, though I find myself at a crossroads regarding the topic I am going to discuss. It is something deeply personal to me, and to numerous others within the industry. The time has come to stop skirting around it though and shed light on one of the things we never discuss in drag racing.

For close to thirty years I have been involved in the sport of drag racing. Whether that be as a spectator, crew member, driver, or media member. And for all those thirty years I have seen the effects that this industry takes on people. The toll that being on the road and the stresses of everything surrounding this industry have on us. Yet the one thing that we continue to sweep under the rug is the one thing that we need to start having is an open dialog about, and that is mental health!

There are those of you that will check out of this article the moment that I mention mental health, and to me that is disappointing. It is interesting that the world we live in today allows us to discuss Cancer, AIDS, Diabetes, Obesity, Fertility, and everything in between, but the moment we mention mental health, everyone clams up and walks away. This “taboo” surrounding the idea of talking about our feelings and emotions out loud has got to stop!

I am someone who works at covering the most extreme sport in the world. Standing feet, sometimes inches away from a four-wheeled monster creating anywhere from 3000 horsepower to in excess of 11,000 horsepower, and yet the only thing running through my mind is if I have the strength to wake up and do it again tomorrow. Yes, that really happens, and it doesn’t just happen to photographers. In fact, over the Christmas break, I spoke to almost a handful of drivers who were all at their breaking point and felt that going on with their life wasn’t an option.

When you get a phone call or text from a grown man that competes in one of the most male-dominated, macho sports in the world, and they are crying and can’t handle the stresses of regular life anymore, you know there is an issue. It’s an issue that most people want to just tell someone to “take a pill” or “get the hell over it”. Guess what folks, that is not the way that this works, and it is the exact reason that we don’t talk about it in the first place. We don’t talk about it, because when someone does talk about it, all they do is get judged for being weak or soft.

Let me ask you something…does it take a stronger man to be happy every day or a stronger man to get out of bed and fight those demons every day? Now imagine if you will, participating in a sport where you are not allowed to show emotions outside of those that come from winning or losing. Add to that, the idea that if you are sad, depressed, or even suicidal, you will be judged by those that you call your friends and peers. What then happens is that you bottle all of it up until you reach some type of breaking point.

Have you ever wondered why it is that we can talk about everything else but mental health? One of the reasons is that we have generations of men that were taught to never cry and never show emotion. If you show emotion, if you are sad, if you are depressed, if you are any of those things it apparently makes you less of a man in not only the industry’s eyes, but in the eyes of a woman, in the eyes of sponsors, advertisers, friends, and even family. The notion that being “soft” at certain times is a bad thing has caused many a man to make the one decision that they find will be the only acceptable one to them and others. We all know what that end decision is too, and we all talk about that part of it, but are we really doing anything to prevent it?

If you do a search on the web, you will find that suicide rates are at their highest since WWII, and yet here we are, still trying to bring attention to something that is just as important as Cancer or Diabetes. I am certainly not saying that this is only limited to men either, I am just talking about what I have firsthand knowledge of. Here is just a snippet of information from the National Alliance on Mental Illness for you to think about…

1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year

1 in 25 U.S. adults experience serious mental illness each year

1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year

50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10-34

As if that weren’t eye-opening enough to make you stop and think, here are just a few more things to consider. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. In 2017, there were a recorded 47,173 suicides and a staggering 1.4 MILLION suicide attempts. Really something to think about isn’t it.

I am sure by now you are asking yourself why we are even talking about this. If you have spent any time on the road within this industry, you would know that a great majority of those working full time are either uninsured or underinsured. So even if you wanted to seek out help, you are paying for it yourself, and let’s face it, a bottle of booze is cheaper than a shrink. You also won’t have to explain the booze to your friends.

Social media certainly has opened some doors in regard to discussing these issues, but the consequences of openly talking about these things on there can be just as disheartening as the backlash I will face from this article. All those 5000 people that you think are your friends, let me tell you something, outside of maybe ten of them and your family, the rest aren’t going to be there to take your 3 am standing on the ledge phone call. They will certainly be there to judge the shit out of you and talk about how crazy you are behind your back too. Yet again, that leaves very few places to turn and even fewer people to talk to about this.

Some of you may know me personally and understand why I am talking about this, but for those that don’t, I suggest you tighten up your belts for this because I am about to get real. As I stated at the beginning, I have been around this sport for almost 30 years, and in those 30 years, I have personally struggled with my own mental health issues.

Over the last couple of years, I have suffered some of the greatest loss in my life. From losing my father to having a severe bout with Bells Palsy, to destroying personal relationships with people that I love, and much more. I have also had the pleasure of having the highs of a wonderful life. I have felt loved and cared about at times. I have felt special and needed at times. The problem with mental illness is that the highs are always extreme and so are the lows. With me personally, there really never has been a “happy medium” in my life. I am an “all in” type of person. So, when I get inundated with messages about what is wrong, or why I am all “up in my feelings again”, that is when I start to shut down.

They say that when you are an alcoholic you will eventually hit “rock bottom” before you can get back up and rebuild yourself. When it comes to mental health that rock bottom can become something that you never can come back from. September 18th, 2019 was one of my rock bottoms. It was the day that I was planning on leaving to cover Shakedown at VMP. I woke up that morning and had two choices to make. I won’t go into detail of what the choice was that I didn’t take, but let’s just say that I am glad I didn’t make that one. It’s not the first time that I have been faced with walking up to the edge of the cliff without a rope and then having to step back. It very well might not be the last time, but I also know that there are a handful of people in my world that would truly be upset if I made the wrong choices.

We all go through struggles in life, and when you are in a profession that doesn’t seem to want to address a very human issue such as mental health, it makes the situation even more difficult. I am not saying any of this so that you can go have pity on someone that is sad. That is the last thing that someone with this disease needs. What they need is to know that they can talk about these issues without being judged, being called weak, or soft, or less of a man. Until you walk in their shoes and suffer through what they feel every day, you will never understand. You won’t understand what it is like to stare down the bottom of an empty bottle, or stare at the ceiling in the dark for hours on end. And you won’t understand what it is like to cry so much that it physically hurts.

Drag racing has always been a family for me, and yet there are days when we don’t treat each other that way because it’s too damn uncomfortable to talk about or be around. We as a family have always come together for the greater good, and I think it is about time that we start doing that for those with mental health issues. I also think it’s time that the men and women in this industry start to feel like they can openly address these issues without feeling like they must hide in a dark corner.

Lastly, if you are one of the people that are dealing with mental health issues, please talk to someone! I don’t care if it is your friend, your family, or a professional. Do not let it eat away at you to the point of doing something that you can’t take back. Get the help that you need! I know that is exactly what I am in the process of doing right now, and I encourage you to do the same. My hope for all of you is that even if this article destroys my career and reputation, it at least sheds some light on the issues and makes someone feel more comfortable with opening up. You are not alone!